Hi all,
Sometimes I struggle maintaining relationships. Because I'm not always on an even keel, I think sometimes I come across brusque and condescending, and sometimes apathetic and uncaring. It's an unfortunate byproduct of my mental health condition. As much as I struggle to stay steady, I'm not always standing upright. In the words of X ambassadors, "hold, hold on to me - cause I'm a little unsteady." Sometimes what I need is a support, and sometimes what I need is a kick in the pants - but either way, those who are in my life are necessary to keep me going and keep me steady. I've built support systems into just about every aspect of my life, and I will continue to do so. Because I'm not perfect, and because I can't always be objective when self-evaluating, I need people around me who I can trust, and who I can depend upon.
The harder part is trusting the opinions of those around me when I'm not quite myself. When I'm low, this means trusting that I'm not really a worthless asymptote. When I'm high, this means I have to trust that I need to slow down and that I'm not quite making sense. I can't always do this, and sometimes the message has to be delivered by a lot of folks before I'm willing (well, able) to listen. I think it's not who I listen to that's the important bit. It's the number of people saying the same sort of thing. If you happen to be the 23rd person to tell me I'm running a little fast, I might listen to you - whether you're important in my life or not. But if you're the first, second, or even 22nd . . . . you might not get my compliance, and you might get my anger and defiance instead.
In short, if you're in my life - a preemptive apology. I will, at some point, not listen to good advice that you give. I will, at some point, be unable to be there for you as the sort of friend you deserve. But I'll make up for it in times when I have excess to give. If you happen to be #23, please understand that you're part of a large team and that you're special to me. But I wouldn't listen to #23 without the contributions of #1-22, so all of you I've seemed to ignore - please know that your influence is still felt even if I can't show it right away. I'm not ignoring you on purpose. It's my disease, and I do battle with it every day.
Have a great Saturday,
~Mark
