Good morning,
Today, living with my diagnosis looks like being up at 3:30 answering work emails because of a stressful situation that happened last week. It looks like watching a Matt Nathanson video (headphones ft. LOLO) and crying when they bring hearing to a bunch of folks in Lima that haven't had it before. It looks like feeling deeply even when I should not. It looks like wearing my heart on my sleeve even when I wish I could don a mask.
It also looks like a weekend spent sleeping too much. I suppose I was trying to sleep away the hurt inflicted last week at work. It looks like introspection to the point of (almost) self harm. They say anger turned inwards is depression - and I'm flirting with that. It looks like having two steak dinners, solo, to try to make myself feel better. It looks like doing work all weekend, sending an email to all parents and all students and adjusting all khan and quizizz grades by 25% because I want students to succeed. It looks like working through lunch to try to ensure that everyone has the accommodations and modifications they are required to have, even though every student has almost unlimited extra time on every assignment and the IEPs don't even make sense given the pandemic. What does extra time look like when every student can submit any assignment late, in perpetuity? It looks like internalizing the failure of every student as my own failure. My failure to engage them, my failure to get them to do the things they ought to do in class, my failure to modify the assignments enough so that they can feel success in accessing them at their level. In class, if the students were there, I'd be providing the scaffolding via individual attention to students. I'd remove a few problems for the students who were struggling. When they are remote, I still try, but how do I provide 1-1 help while the other 20 students need it too? How do I remove questions on a district mandated assessment that I don't have the power to change?
I am sometimes very alone in my feelings. This is sometimes a blessing (I also feel joy deeply) but right now I feel pain and hurt. I am mustering the courage and fortitude to make it to work today. I will do it. I will do my best to educate all students to the best of my ability. I will make it through the day. The resilience to do so isn't easy for me right now. It takes all I have.
So, I'll say this. I hope that for those of you who don't have my diagnosis, this gives you a window into what my mental health looks like. For those of you who do, please know you're not alone and that if you ever need to talk about it I'm here.
Have a great day all,
~Mark
