Hi all,
Sometimes I struggle maintaining relationships. Because I'm not always on an even keel, I think sometimes I come across brusque and condescending, and sometimes apathetic and uncaring. It's an unfortunate byproduct of my mental health condition. As much as I struggle to stay steady, I'm not always standing upright. In the words of X ambassadors, "hold, hold on to me - cause I'm a little unsteady." Sometimes what I need is a support, and sometimes what I need is a kick in the pants - but either way, those who are in my life are necessary to keep me going and keep me steady. I've built support systems into just about every aspect of my life, and I will continue to do so. Because I'm not perfect, and because I can't always be objective when self-evaluating, I need people around me who I can trust, and who I can depend upon.
The harder part is trusting the opinions of those around me when I'm not quite myself. When I'm low, this means trusting that I'm not really a worthless asymptote. When I'm high, this means I have to trust that I need to slow down and that I'm not quite making sense. I can't always do this, and sometimes the message has to be delivered by a lot of folks before I'm willing (well, able) to listen. I think it's not who I listen to that's the important bit. It's the number of people saying the same sort of thing. If you happen to be the 23rd person to tell me I'm running a little fast, I might listen to you - whether you're important in my life or not. But if you're the first, second, or even 22nd . . . . you might not get my compliance, and you might get my anger and defiance instead.
In short, if you're in my life - a preemptive apology. I will, at some point, not listen to good advice that you give. I will, at some point, be unable to be there for you as the sort of friend you deserve. But I'll make up for it in times when I have excess to give. If you happen to be #23, please understand that you're part of a large team and that you're special to me. But I wouldn't listen to #23 without the contributions of #1-22, so all of you I've seemed to ignore - please know that your influence is still felt even if I can't show it right away. I'm not ignoring you on purpose. It's my disease, and I do battle with it every day.
Have a great Saturday,
~Mark
Saturday, September 9, 2017
Friday, August 18, 2017
Spreading happiness
Hi all,
Perhaps I find a bigger need to spread joy in my life because of my brain. I have self imposed so much pain and guilt that sometimes the best way to alleviate my own pain is to bring joy to others. So I try to do this. I show people beauty, point at little miracles and find happiness and joy where others might not. It's for me I guess, but being observant and talkative about it might help others to experience the awesome as well.
I see the moon. Even over portopotties, I can see the beauty in it. I see dragonflies and glinting sun on water, and I can't help loving it. I can't help but to exclaim to those near me about how awesome it is. This might make me an incorrigible pain in the ass. But it also means I'm living life fully, hoping others will exclaim their excitement too.
There's my thought for the day. Spread joy, happiness, and find those little miracles. They're everywhere if you look.
~Mark
Perhaps I find a bigger need to spread joy in my life because of my brain. I have self imposed so much pain and guilt that sometimes the best way to alleviate my own pain is to bring joy to others. So I try to do this. I show people beauty, point at little miracles and find happiness and joy where others might not. It's for me I guess, but being observant and talkative about it might help others to experience the awesome as well.
I see the moon. Even over portopotties, I can see the beauty in it. I see dragonflies and glinting sun on water, and I can't help loving it. I can't help but to exclaim to those near me about how awesome it is. This might make me an incorrigible pain in the ass. But it also means I'm living life fully, hoping others will exclaim their excitement too.
There's my thought for the day. Spread joy, happiness, and find those little miracles. They're everywhere if you look.
~Mark
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Justifiable anger?
Hi all,
Sometimes I struggle with being angry about things. I know, most of you probably do too. However, when is it ok for a mind like mine to be enraged? Lots of things set me off, but I've never been in a fight. I usually choose calm, middle of the road reactions to things, but sometimes I get really upset because people treat me poorly. Either they take me for granted, leave me out of things that matter, or do what they feel like without regard for my feelings. When this happens, is it justifiable to be angry? Should I stop feeling these feelings because my brain chemistry isn't normal? Should I endeavor to hide them or bottle them? Or is it a sign that I'm manic? Can I be mad but not unhealthy?
I think I'm partially mad this morning because our country and more specifically our president isn't dealing with the racism that is rampant in our society. I don't fucking understand why he couldn't just condemn the white supremacist rally where people died instead of saying, "but the other side did it too!" I don't think he's an out and out racist. But I do think he is disinterested in coming to the table to confront these sorts of issues, instead either blowing them off or saying that they're liberal snowflakes who have nothing to complain about. I'd imagine he's just barely smart enough to realize that that sort of statement would result in his impeachment. So instead, he dances around it. He says the people standing up to racism and bigotry are part of the problem because they're peacefully protesting. He tries to imply that if they weren't there, the asshole who hit them wouldn't have gotten mad.
But when something is wrong, is it not a justifiable, normal reaction to be angry? And what is normal, anyway? As a friend of mine's father once said, "normal ain't nothing but a setting on a dryer." If I choose apathy when things are wrong out of a fear that my demons are getting to me, I think I'm a lesser citizen and a lesser person. I have to truly feel the emotions in order to deal with them, address the situation if I can, and have the wisdom to know what I can't change (serenity prayer). There are a lot of things a privileged white male like myself can change. However, the attitude and the disrespect the president shows toward protesters and people of color isn't something that I, with all my social and political clout, can do anything about. I can rail against it in this blog, I can go to rallies and support my friends, and I can try my damndest to live my life in such a way that I am supportive in every way I can be to the ideologies that I believe in.
I guess I've now, "told you why I'm mad." Hope it's either informative or at the least not widening the divide between the alt right and us liberal snowflakes.
Have a good day,
Mark
Sometimes I struggle with being angry about things. I know, most of you probably do too. However, when is it ok for a mind like mine to be enraged? Lots of things set me off, but I've never been in a fight. I usually choose calm, middle of the road reactions to things, but sometimes I get really upset because people treat me poorly. Either they take me for granted, leave me out of things that matter, or do what they feel like without regard for my feelings. When this happens, is it justifiable to be angry? Should I stop feeling these feelings because my brain chemistry isn't normal? Should I endeavor to hide them or bottle them? Or is it a sign that I'm manic? Can I be mad but not unhealthy?
I think I'm partially mad this morning because our country and more specifically our president isn't dealing with the racism that is rampant in our society. I don't fucking understand why he couldn't just condemn the white supremacist rally where people died instead of saying, "but the other side did it too!" I don't think he's an out and out racist. But I do think he is disinterested in coming to the table to confront these sorts of issues, instead either blowing them off or saying that they're liberal snowflakes who have nothing to complain about. I'd imagine he's just barely smart enough to realize that that sort of statement would result in his impeachment. So instead, he dances around it. He says the people standing up to racism and bigotry are part of the problem because they're peacefully protesting. He tries to imply that if they weren't there, the asshole who hit them wouldn't have gotten mad.
But when something is wrong, is it not a justifiable, normal reaction to be angry? And what is normal, anyway? As a friend of mine's father once said, "normal ain't nothing but a setting on a dryer." If I choose apathy when things are wrong out of a fear that my demons are getting to me, I think I'm a lesser citizen and a lesser person. I have to truly feel the emotions in order to deal with them, address the situation if I can, and have the wisdom to know what I can't change (serenity prayer). There are a lot of things a privileged white male like myself can change. However, the attitude and the disrespect the president shows toward protesters and people of color isn't something that I, with all my social and political clout, can do anything about. I can rail against it in this blog, I can go to rallies and support my friends, and I can try my damndest to live my life in such a way that I am supportive in every way I can be to the ideologies that I believe in.
I guess I've now, "told you why I'm mad." Hope it's either informative or at the least not widening the divide between the alt right and us liberal snowflakes.
Have a good day,
Mark
Summers, afa^2
Hi all,
It's been a while, hope you've all been well. I'm realizing that summer's coming to a close and I haven't said much on the blog lately. So here goes. I find that my teaching career feeds into my mood swings with some predictability, and that summer is usually a time where I'm high. Not surprisingly, it also means increased spending, silly chicanery, more dating, adventures, and low balances at the bank. My struggle for the last few weeks of summer is as follows: Do cheap and free things that are still awesome. In fact, I want to write a social media app that helps people find things like this. It's going to be named something like AFA or A squared - always free and awesome. Maybe afaa. or Afasquared. I dunno, feel free to comment suggestions.
Anyway, the basic premise is this. There have to be others like me who are always in search of the next adventure. There also have to be others who, like me, can't afford to have all those adventures be expensive. So, Afa^2 will use social media and crowd sourcing to find the best of every area. For instance, in my neck of the woods, I think tubing the farmington is one of the best things. It's free as long as you have 2 vehicles and a couple inner tubes. It's not hard, and as long as you can swim it's a great way to spend a lazy day in the hot summer. But, unless you know the river and where to park, put in and take out, you can get lost and end up walking miles to your car. So it's only free if you have the knowledge. I know people have little gems like this for their areas that I haven't figured out yet, and I'd love to hear about them. So this app is like waze for driving, helping people avoid the pitfalls of other travelers while they do cool adventures. They could also advise that parts of the adventure are illegal, and help people do a risk assessment to see whether it's a good idea. Of course, nobody advises illegal activity, just like nobody advises people to speed when they use waze, but knowing the risks and where the cops are help people make better decisions.
It's been a while, hope you've all been well. I'm realizing that summer's coming to a close and I haven't said much on the blog lately. So here goes. I find that my teaching career feeds into my mood swings with some predictability, and that summer is usually a time where I'm high. Not surprisingly, it also means increased spending, silly chicanery, more dating, adventures, and low balances at the bank. My struggle for the last few weeks of summer is as follows: Do cheap and free things that are still awesome. In fact, I want to write a social media app that helps people find things like this. It's going to be named something like AFA or A squared - always free and awesome. Maybe afaa. or Afasquared. I dunno, feel free to comment suggestions.
Anyway, the basic premise is this. There have to be others like me who are always in search of the next adventure. There also have to be others who, like me, can't afford to have all those adventures be expensive. So, Afa^2 will use social media and crowd sourcing to find the best of every area. For instance, in my neck of the woods, I think tubing the farmington is one of the best things. It's free as long as you have 2 vehicles and a couple inner tubes. It's not hard, and as long as you can swim it's a great way to spend a lazy day in the hot summer. But, unless you know the river and where to park, put in and take out, you can get lost and end up walking miles to your car. So it's only free if you have the knowledge. I know people have little gems like this for their areas that I haven't figured out yet, and I'd love to hear about them. So this app is like waze for driving, helping people avoid the pitfalls of other travelers while they do cool adventures. They could also advise that parts of the adventure are illegal, and help people do a risk assessment to see whether it's a good idea. Of course, nobody advises illegal activity, just like nobody advises people to speed when they use waze, but knowing the risks and where the cops are help people make better decisions.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Holidays
Hi all,
I hope that you all are enjoying your time with friends and family this holiday season. I'm trying to retain my optimism, but it's a little hard for me this year. I suppose it's always the way of the holidays that we lament the loss of people who are no longer with us. Strangely, this year I have many people who I miss despite the fact that they're still here. Yet I feel their loss because they aren't as close as they used to be. Or their lives and families have occupied their time. That's as it should be, I suppose. Maybe it's my fault for being too intransigent. Or dreaming dreams that are too big.
So, I've recommitted myself to thanking people who have helped me, or who make my life better. People who care and show that they do. I've written several letters this morning, and I want to keep my gratitude. It's not every day that you are as lucky as I've been. Though it isn't always clear, I hope that there's a reason. I have to believe that the people who have been in my life were there because I needed them. And maybe, if I'm even luckier, I will be able to be there for them in their time of need. Perhaps my ability to empathize gives me my greatest strength, and my ability to help those who need it my biggest life goal.
Anyway, there are my musings for today. Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
I hope that you all are enjoying your time with friends and family this holiday season. I'm trying to retain my optimism, but it's a little hard for me this year. I suppose it's always the way of the holidays that we lament the loss of people who are no longer with us. Strangely, this year I have many people who I miss despite the fact that they're still here. Yet I feel their loss because they aren't as close as they used to be. Or their lives and families have occupied their time. That's as it should be, I suppose. Maybe it's my fault for being too intransigent. Or dreaming dreams that are too big.
So, I've recommitted myself to thanking people who have helped me, or who make my life better. People who care and show that they do. I've written several letters this morning, and I want to keep my gratitude. It's not every day that you are as lucky as I've been. Though it isn't always clear, I hope that there's a reason. I have to believe that the people who have been in my life were there because I needed them. And maybe, if I'm even luckier, I will be able to be there for them in their time of need. Perhaps my ability to empathize gives me my greatest strength, and my ability to help those who need it my biggest life goal.
Anyway, there are my musings for today. Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Terrible Tuesdays?
Hi all,
Every day is a struggle, but one worth putting your best foot forward on. My grandma would have said, "fake it 'till you make it" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." This morning was cold in my town, and I forgot/procrastinated about my insulation for my attic, so the breeze was coming right in. Add to that the fact that my fire went out overnight, and it was a chilly morning. Then, youtube crashed on my amazon TV, and I couldn't listen to music! It seemed like everything was going wrong. But I found my way to work, said hi to some coworkers and students, and went on my merry(ish) way.
In a rough patch, all of these things could have stopped me from getting to work. They seemed to be insignificant, but they pile up and keep me from being the positive, happy self I aspire to be. I could have looked at the cold as a barrier, focused on my fire instead of just turning up the thermostat, and started down the path to a negative nellie kind of day. My upset stomach could have built itself up in my mind into an unconquerable obstacle. Instead, I overcame the frustrations I was feeling and recommitted to having a good day. It helps to talk to my parents and re-center my outlook. It also helps knowing that I'm valued by both the students and the staff at my school, and that the day wouldn't be the same without me.
Once at school, I found that my student for my first period class was absent, so I got extra prep time. First, I planned a lesson for geometry tomorrow, then I sat down to reflect on this day and how I can make it better for my students. I'm going to start with a smile and a greeting for each of them as they come in, to make sure they feel welcomed in their math class. Then, I'll see how much progress each of them can make today, as they struggle through what is for many of them their most difficult subject. I'll try to take into account that they all might have had rough/cold/difficult mornings in other ways, and try to make up for the difficulties with a positive attitude and ebullient nature.
At any rate, there's my daily struggle. I know you all face your own, and I wish you luck in staying positive and facing the challenges with a smile on your face.
Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
Every day is a struggle, but one worth putting your best foot forward on. My grandma would have said, "fake it 'till you make it" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." This morning was cold in my town, and I forgot/procrastinated about my insulation for my attic, so the breeze was coming right in. Add to that the fact that my fire went out overnight, and it was a chilly morning. Then, youtube crashed on my amazon TV, and I couldn't listen to music! It seemed like everything was going wrong. But I found my way to work, said hi to some coworkers and students, and went on my merry(ish) way.
In a rough patch, all of these things could have stopped me from getting to work. They seemed to be insignificant, but they pile up and keep me from being the positive, happy self I aspire to be. I could have looked at the cold as a barrier, focused on my fire instead of just turning up the thermostat, and started down the path to a negative nellie kind of day. My upset stomach could have built itself up in my mind into an unconquerable obstacle. Instead, I overcame the frustrations I was feeling and recommitted to having a good day. It helps to talk to my parents and re-center my outlook. It also helps knowing that I'm valued by both the students and the staff at my school, and that the day wouldn't be the same without me.
Once at school, I found that my student for my first period class was absent, so I got extra prep time. First, I planned a lesson for geometry tomorrow, then I sat down to reflect on this day and how I can make it better for my students. I'm going to start with a smile and a greeting for each of them as they come in, to make sure they feel welcomed in their math class. Then, I'll see how much progress each of them can make today, as they struggle through what is for many of them their most difficult subject. I'll try to take into account that they all might have had rough/cold/difficult mornings in other ways, and try to make up for the difficulties with a positive attitude and ebullient nature.
At any rate, there's my daily struggle. I know you all face your own, and I wish you luck in staying positive and facing the challenges with a smile on your face.
Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
Monday, December 19, 2016
Mondays
Hi all,
I wasn't particularly excited about coming in to work today. I know, shocking. However, the week before the holiday at school comes with some rare educational opportunities as well as some frustrating behavior. I went out of my way to be nice to students and faculty alike today, and it has made all the difference. Yes, there were several behavioral outbursts. But I also was able to accomplish some real teaching and learning, mostly because I used my skill and persistence, as well as an unwavering belief that all of my students can succeed. There are only 4 more days before the winter break, and I just know I can make a difference during that time.
It's a rare privilege to help shape the mind of a student, and I take it seriously. I do, most days and in most ways, love what I do. It's the nonsense that gets in the way of teaching that I dislike. Especially because I teach an unpopular subject (math), and students take issue with the subject matter or are intimidated by it, there are conflicts. It takes my best redirection, my most positive attitude, and my experience as an educator to keep students on task on a regular day. But this week is when my mettle really gets tested. I sell something that no one wants to buy, with a group of hormonal teenagers as my audience. To do my job right, I have to be able to sell ice to Eskimos. With sugar/caffeine rushes. On a week where many of them have family things that stress them out. While all they want to do is celebrate, and the last thing they want to do is learn another math lesson.
Anyhow, I welcome the challenge. Let's see what next block brings.
Have a great day,
Mark
I wasn't particularly excited about coming in to work today. I know, shocking. However, the week before the holiday at school comes with some rare educational opportunities as well as some frustrating behavior. I went out of my way to be nice to students and faculty alike today, and it has made all the difference. Yes, there were several behavioral outbursts. But I also was able to accomplish some real teaching and learning, mostly because I used my skill and persistence, as well as an unwavering belief that all of my students can succeed. There are only 4 more days before the winter break, and I just know I can make a difference during that time.
It's a rare privilege to help shape the mind of a student, and I take it seriously. I do, most days and in most ways, love what I do. It's the nonsense that gets in the way of teaching that I dislike. Especially because I teach an unpopular subject (math), and students take issue with the subject matter or are intimidated by it, there are conflicts. It takes my best redirection, my most positive attitude, and my experience as an educator to keep students on task on a regular day. But this week is when my mettle really gets tested. I sell something that no one wants to buy, with a group of hormonal teenagers as my audience. To do my job right, I have to be able to sell ice to Eskimos. With sugar/caffeine rushes. On a week where many of them have family things that stress them out. While all they want to do is celebrate, and the last thing they want to do is learn another math lesson.
Anyhow, I welcome the challenge. Let's see what next block brings.
Have a great day,
Mark
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