Can I be loved? Do I deserve it?

Hi all,

As you may know, I have bipolar disorder.  This causes me great pain, and sometimes makes me super fun and outgoing, but other times leads me to hibernate in my chair by the fire and be reticent/recalcitrant.  I guess my question is: do I get to be loved?  I know it's hard to deal with my peaks and valleys, and it makes me sometimes untrustworthy, and other times not fun.  To quote a band, "I get nervous, when I'm happy . . . I get nervous, 'cause what goes up, must come down"  My highs are fun for me, but I'm sometimes inconsiderate and kind of a jerk.  My lows aren't fun for anyone, because I'm so down on myself that I can't even motivate myself for the good of others.

I guess I'm asking whether that is something that I can fairly ask anyone else to deal with.  I can deal with it for myself, and I can use therapists and psychiatrists, and the medicines available, to curb the effects and stay as stable as I possibly can.  I can use diet, exercise, meditation and self reflection, and I can blog (haha) when I'm "in my feelings" about it, as I am currently.  I have a disorder which leads most of my fellow sufferers to be jobless, leads many of them to be alone, and leads others to jail or at least to pretty serious brushes with the law.  Many self-medicate, or don't take care of themselves well.  I'd like to feel like a shining example of success, having kept my job after two brushes with mania, and winter depression almost every winter, which persists until at least April and sometimes into May or June.  I've kept some long term relationships going, which requires sacrifice on my part and on theirs.  They have to be willing to take my ups with my downs, and sometimes to take me as less than my best self.  I have to be willing to prioritize the needs of the relationship over what I need mentally.  This sometimes costs me my mental health.

I'm currently fat and out of shape, but riding a slight high.  I might estimate that I'm at between 105% and 115%.  This isn't dangerous, and it's dropping every day.  I have a cold, school has started, and the stressors that come along with school usually drop my high pretty quickly.  I like the highs . . . I'm willing to be honest about my condition and I am highly productive during these times in my life.  However, I have to be careful not to stay there too long, or the accompanying low will be longer/worse.  I don't want my November and December to be bad, so September can't be as fun as I'd like it to be.