Hi all,
I like living by the adage, "be the change you wish to see in the world." I think it mostly makes me better, happier, and healthier. However, sometimes it can land you in some strange situations. For instance, picking up a tab for people in a restaurant when you can't afford it is no fun. Neither is reaching so hard for a charity goal that you bankrupt yourself doing it (@gr8fulyfeclub). Or buying $200 worth of McDonalds, saying "feed everybody who comes in hungry today" and then losing your car in the process. At any rate, it sounds easier to do than it actually is.
So. Where does that leave me? Be the change I wish to see, if:
a) I can afford it
b) people are willing to help
c) People will understand what I'm trying to do
d)Someone will bankroll the idea
e) ?
f)?
I guess I'm trying to put in place some safety nets, so what happened to me the first time won't happen again. I should probably start a kickstarter campaign, write some grants and see what I can do. I have already generated a team of people who will help me, but I have to stop going all rogue/lone wolf/batman on this situation. I need to wait until people are willing to help, plan things way ahead of time, and generate some income to base this off of. A teacher's salary alone isn't cutting it.
At any rate, perhaps the smartest thing I can do at the moment is put the brakes on, get a tax id number so I can give people receipts, and get some donations. The basic premise, in case you're interested, is that I am grateful for everything I have in my life. In fact, in some cases I have 3 iterations of things. In computers, I have a yoga, an old linux laptop, a desktop, an amazon fire tv, a chromebook, two phones, 10 printers . . . the list goes on and on. What I've decided for myself is to keep the top 3 of any set. So for instance, the top three computers: laptop, linux laptop, and chromebook. Then, the rest of them can go to students, people in need, Costa Rica, or anyone I think could use a boost. This directed giving should, in theory, help those folks elevate their lives and improve their standing in the world, and they will hopefully pay it forward someday. I do the same thing with bikes, tools, clothes, etc, I call it the rising tide - a reference to trickle down economics which of course hasn't worked, and the idea that a rising tide lifts all ships. Trickle up economics seemed too slow, and things don't trickle upwards. In essence, instead of legislating charitable donations, I want to, by example, help everybody around me and show them a better way. I want to educate them, give them things I don't need, and help them to bolster their communities too. In this way, we can rebuild the middle class. In this way, we can each have a happier, healthier life. (referencing the TED talk where directed giving makes us happier). I want to work my way up to cars and boats. But I'll start where I am. I have extra math knowledge, extra bikes, tools, kitchen supplies, yard equipment . . . and I want to de-clutter my life. I want to help people by giving them things that will improve their life or give them new opportunities. But they have to want the help. They have to show that it helped them, and I hope they will pass it along to someone less fortunate.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Family . . . and its implications
Hi all,
There are some people in the world who love you, no matter what. Even if they don't always like you. There's family in a nutshell. I think that everybody struggles, everybody suffers, and everybody falters. What separates those who can overcome those things from those who can't is will and determination. But in addition to those qualities, it REALLY helps to have a support structure of friends and family. I know my struggles can't even compare to many in life - I'm a study in privilege, top to bottom. I always had food on the table, I'm white, male, and tall, and I live in America, one of the wealthiest nations in the world, with a great family in a rural community. I sometimes put myself in weird situations just to see whether I can get myself out. It might even be subconscious. For all my privilege, my college degree from a fancy private college, my monetary advantages, I still get in tight spots. Especially when I'm having happy fun hypo-manic time. I overextend, I reach farther than I can grasp, I hope harder than I should. I wish the world into a better place, and am saddened when I can't make it so. In doing all these things, people misunderstand. They think I'm not able to do the things that I dream, or pay for the things I choose to purchase.
Enter Family. Family by blood, or family I choose - these people stand with me no matter what happens. I need this more than most, perhaps, but it's a good test. Finding out who's true in a pinch is necessary for somebody who gets themselves into some pinches, but it's a good trick to figure out who really loves you as well. During the last iteration of high times @gr8fulyfeclub slash Mark's stupid ideas, I burned some bridges. Some are still waiting to be burned, or are slowly sinking into a river. However, what I've noticed is that some aren't burnable. My mom's bridge is unassailable. So is my Aunt Gail's, and a few other friends and ex girlfriends. I thought my other family members and closest friends were also too tough to be burned, but I managed it. I hope that some of them will help me rebuild their bridges, but I can't wait for that. Instead, I rely on the bridges I've still got. The ones that laughed at my fire and said they'd go with me on the journey. The ones that told me I was acting ridiculous, asked me to slow down for them, and hoped that I'd "color inside the lines" for them. One even smacked my butt and told me I'd been bad! One key feature in friends like that: Empathy. I think my empathy is supercharged because I've been so low so many times, and so high so many times. What I've done, with some success, is make teams of people who can keep up. Who can bring me down in times of height, and up in times of depth. I need a challenge. I need people who I'm willing to stay on my toes for, rein myself in for, and who will ask the same of me. These folks - animal, vegetable, mineral, human and even mechanical - these are my family. I share blood with some of them, good times with others, bad and weird times with others . . . and for some, I dare all, risk all and stand to gain all. However this silly journey of my life ends up, I know it will have been lived hard, lived often and lived well. I know it because my family will not let me do otherwise. In my hubris, I hope that I can keep people like that around me for the rest of my life. If I'm lucky, I'll succeed. Then again, as my high school wrestling coach turned life coach likes to say, luck is the residue of skillful preparation. I guess I'd better keep preparing. For what, I have no idea - but I'm going to be the smartest, most empathetic version of me. Resilient as the tide, strong and steady as trees I cut down to heat my winter fires. I'm going to build a team around me - in good times and bad - and hopefully some of them can hang with me during all of it. I hope to be sitting on a porch, rocking and talking to my grandkids or adoptive grandkids, telling them stories about all the silly things I did in my youth. To survive that long with my mental condition takes a lot of courage, strength and resilience. But more than that it takes the family that's picked me back.
More important (if possible) than all the things above is my ability to forgive. I am sure I'll never forget being abandoned during this process by some pretty key players - friends I grew up with, family I thought I could always depend on, institutions I'd always believed in, humanity . . . the depth of my disappointment is canyon-like. But perhaps the thing that keeps me a good man - the thing makes me better and not bitter - is giving forgiveness to even those who hate me and bring me down. Perhaps even Denny's deserves my forgiveness . . . but never my business. I believe in small, local businesses. Anyhow, I hope that reading some of these words helps somebody to be better in a difficult world. Whether the struggle is mental, societal, monetary, educational . . . no matter what the struggle, empathetic humans are the way to overcome it. We're social creatures for a reason. I needed to lean on many people - some of whom I haven't talked to in years, and some of whom I'd never met before. In the end, reflecting on a few months of manic energy and trouble, what has mattered to me most was that. Most of the time, people are better than we give them credit for. Sometimes, they disappoint us. But being vulnerable on purpose - letting humanity be better than we hope - it's an interesting journey and it gives me hope.
Have a great day, and I hope tomorrow is better than that,
~Mark
There are some people in the world who love you, no matter what. Even if they don't always like you. There's family in a nutshell. I think that everybody struggles, everybody suffers, and everybody falters. What separates those who can overcome those things from those who can't is will and determination. But in addition to those qualities, it REALLY helps to have a support structure of friends and family. I know my struggles can't even compare to many in life - I'm a study in privilege, top to bottom. I always had food on the table, I'm white, male, and tall, and I live in America, one of the wealthiest nations in the world, with a great family in a rural community. I sometimes put myself in weird situations just to see whether I can get myself out. It might even be subconscious. For all my privilege, my college degree from a fancy private college, my monetary advantages, I still get in tight spots. Especially when I'm having happy fun hypo-manic time. I overextend, I reach farther than I can grasp, I hope harder than I should. I wish the world into a better place, and am saddened when I can't make it so. In doing all these things, people misunderstand. They think I'm not able to do the things that I dream, or pay for the things I choose to purchase.
Enter Family. Family by blood, or family I choose - these people stand with me no matter what happens. I need this more than most, perhaps, but it's a good test. Finding out who's true in a pinch is necessary for somebody who gets themselves into some pinches, but it's a good trick to figure out who really loves you as well. During the last iteration of high times @gr8fulyfeclub slash Mark's stupid ideas, I burned some bridges. Some are still waiting to be burned, or are slowly sinking into a river. However, what I've noticed is that some aren't burnable. My mom's bridge is unassailable. So is my Aunt Gail's, and a few other friends and ex girlfriends. I thought my other family members and closest friends were also too tough to be burned, but I managed it. I hope that some of them will help me rebuild their bridges, but I can't wait for that. Instead, I rely on the bridges I've still got. The ones that laughed at my fire and said they'd go with me on the journey. The ones that told me I was acting ridiculous, asked me to slow down for them, and hoped that I'd "color inside the lines" for them. One even smacked my butt and told me I'd been bad! One key feature in friends like that: Empathy. I think my empathy is supercharged because I've been so low so many times, and so high so many times. What I've done, with some success, is make teams of people who can keep up. Who can bring me down in times of height, and up in times of depth. I need a challenge. I need people who I'm willing to stay on my toes for, rein myself in for, and who will ask the same of me. These folks - animal, vegetable, mineral, human and even mechanical - these are my family. I share blood with some of them, good times with others, bad and weird times with others . . . and for some, I dare all, risk all and stand to gain all. However this silly journey of my life ends up, I know it will have been lived hard, lived often and lived well. I know it because my family will not let me do otherwise. In my hubris, I hope that I can keep people like that around me for the rest of my life. If I'm lucky, I'll succeed. Then again, as my high school wrestling coach turned life coach likes to say, luck is the residue of skillful preparation. I guess I'd better keep preparing. For what, I have no idea - but I'm going to be the smartest, most empathetic version of me. Resilient as the tide, strong and steady as trees I cut down to heat my winter fires. I'm going to build a team around me - in good times and bad - and hopefully some of them can hang with me during all of it. I hope to be sitting on a porch, rocking and talking to my grandkids or adoptive grandkids, telling them stories about all the silly things I did in my youth. To survive that long with my mental condition takes a lot of courage, strength and resilience. But more than that it takes the family that's picked me back.
More important (if possible) than all the things above is my ability to forgive. I am sure I'll never forget being abandoned during this process by some pretty key players - friends I grew up with, family I thought I could always depend on, institutions I'd always believed in, humanity . . . the depth of my disappointment is canyon-like. But perhaps the thing that keeps me a good man - the thing makes me better and not bitter - is giving forgiveness to even those who hate me and bring me down. Perhaps even Denny's deserves my forgiveness . . . but never my business. I believe in small, local businesses. Anyhow, I hope that reading some of these words helps somebody to be better in a difficult world. Whether the struggle is mental, societal, monetary, educational . . . no matter what the struggle, empathetic humans are the way to overcome it. We're social creatures for a reason. I needed to lean on many people - some of whom I haven't talked to in years, and some of whom I'd never met before. In the end, reflecting on a few months of manic energy and trouble, what has mattered to me most was that. Most of the time, people are better than we give them credit for. Sometimes, they disappoint us. But being vulnerable on purpose - letting humanity be better than we hope - it's an interesting journey and it gives me hope.
Have a great day, and I hope tomorrow is better than that,
~Mark
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Post-prandial Thanksgiving-ness
Hi all,
I managed to not buy anything on black friday. I was a hair's breadth away from trading my 2013 Tacoma and my girlfriend's Jeep patriot (08) in on a brand new charger and ram. However. We did the math, and it wasn't worth taking upside-down trades on both cars and living on Ramen for the next 6 years. Or taking a 15% financing. We went 'round and 'round, trying to figure out how to finance it and afford it, but at the end of the day, keeping the cars we have, at least in the short term, makes the most sense. We can find cheap parts, fix Bob (the Patriot) and keep him happy-ish for a bit. For instance, I've already found tires for 150 on Craigslist that are nearly new.
In the words of Pat Green, "I'm for dusty old guitars, and boxers past their prime, I'm for takin' in that stray dog, who's been hangin' round a while," he also says it's good to get out of debt. The shortest path to that is by keeping what I have, paying it off FAST (overpaying every month) and using it until it's actually, legitimately, dead. Not trading an old car that's upside down for a new car that's even more so.
Anyway, though this post seems kind of negative, it's actually positive. Consumerism and the "American Dream" has been morphed into, "It must be new or it must be shit" but that's not the way this optimist wants to live. I want old. Quality. And if there's anything I buy new, I expect it to last many many years. Like an American Made Cannondale or Harley. Or a Collins Axe, or DR bush mower. Made of Beef. And Cake.
Have a great day, and good luck avoiding all the sales!
Mark
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Thanksgiving
Hi all,
Happy Thanksgiving! I'm hoping for all of you that you can find peace, love and harmony today. I find as I get older, I get more hippie-dippie in my outlook. I mean, it's not like I hug trees (well, occasionally I do, but then I sometimes cut them down). However, the older I get the more I wish for peace, balance, zen . . . you know, the hippie stuff. What I've noticed is that most conflict, stress, and difficulty can be avoided with some zen thinking, and if anything gets past that, it can still get handled with a little help from my friends.
I'm trying not to be bitter, as some of my friends have fallen away lately, others have sided with people who don't deserve it, and many people aren't loyal when you're down. I guess, like sports fans, some friends only root for you when you're ok and friendship with you is easy (the people who only root for the Red Sox when they're winning). True fans, and true friends, are with you no matter what. Hopefully you can all find out who's really with you. It's an important thing to discover.
Anyway, enough negativity. I hope that you are all prosperous, improving, and warm today. I hope you have all the food you need to feed you and everyone you know. I'm personally hoping that I can find some ways to do good today, not just eat turkey and get fatter and more complacent.
Be well,
~Mark
Happy Thanksgiving! I'm hoping for all of you that you can find peace, love and harmony today. I find as I get older, I get more hippie-dippie in my outlook. I mean, it's not like I hug trees (well, occasionally I do, but then I sometimes cut them down). However, the older I get the more I wish for peace, balance, zen . . . you know, the hippie stuff. What I've noticed is that most conflict, stress, and difficulty can be avoided with some zen thinking, and if anything gets past that, it can still get handled with a little help from my friends.
I'm trying not to be bitter, as some of my friends have fallen away lately, others have sided with people who don't deserve it, and many people aren't loyal when you're down. I guess, like sports fans, some friends only root for you when you're ok and friendship with you is easy (the people who only root for the Red Sox when they're winning). True fans, and true friends, are with you no matter what. Hopefully you can all find out who's really with you. It's an important thing to discover.
Anyway, enough negativity. I hope that you are all prosperous, improving, and warm today. I hope you have all the food you need to feed you and everyone you know. I'm personally hoping that I can find some ways to do good today, not just eat turkey and get fatter and more complacent.
Be well,
~Mark
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Manic Optimism (why it's better, and why I choose it even though it sometimes is hard)
Hi everybody,
Back at Bates College, I had a disheartening first few weeks. I tried out for the Deansmen, the most prestigious group on campus, and they didn't let me in. I noticed that several other guys hadn't gotten in either, and I decided that we should sing anyway. I had been in the All Eastern Choir, All State, and a bunch of other things in high school, and who were these guys anyway to tell me that I couldn't be in their group? So, myself, Chal, Arthur, Mark S., and some others began thinking about what to do and what to call it. We settled on the Manic Optimists, since we arrived at our decision to start a group with mostly the rejects from other groups (Deansmen and Crosstones, respectively). Thus began my Bates legacy - the Manic Optimists, or manops for short.
Had I given up right after the Deansmen audition, I would have never founded this other group, it would not be flourishing today, and I would have not gained entrance into the Deansmen the next year. Thus, my manic optimism (or hypomania, for you psychology buffs) is adaptive. It comes with its price, but I think the price (the pain suffered in my bouts with slight depression, and the shame that accompanies my realization of what has been done in my manic moments) is worth it. If I can sometimes bring light into the darkness, I can brave my own darkness for a time. Everything ends, and though my depression makes me fat, flat, and grumpy (I hibernate like a bear) it also means I feel more deeply than most humans. It makes me a better teacher, able to empathize with those who suffer, to quote Shakespeare, the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." It makes me a better man, because before I act I usually try to see what effect my actions will have on others.
In short, this blog is about my type II bipolar disorder. It's also about how I wouldn't trade that "malady" in for anything else. Without it, I wouldn't be a manic optimist. B+ wouldn't be my attitude and my blood type. I wouldn't be me.
Though right now I am suffering (I can't work because I'm busy dealing with my head) I'd imagine that most of my students, through most of my years as an educator (12) would agree that my low spots are negated by my high spots. My creativity, my lust for knowledge, my genuine interest in my students - all of these are more important than the few times I've been too low to get to class, or too high to be concrete sequential. My blessing is my curse. But through suffering with it, I hope I can show students (and the world) that it's better to be flawed and trying than to stop trying. That it's better to be unique than run of the mill. That though I'm sure I've burned a few bridges, I've constructed better ones.
Thanks for listening - I appreciate your time. I really do. Writing this helps me to find catharsis, and maybe it helps a few others out there that struggle.
Have a great day,
~Mark (@gr8fullyfeclub)
Back at Bates College, I had a disheartening first few weeks. I tried out for the Deansmen, the most prestigious group on campus, and they didn't let me in. I noticed that several other guys hadn't gotten in either, and I decided that we should sing anyway. I had been in the All Eastern Choir, All State, and a bunch of other things in high school, and who were these guys anyway to tell me that I couldn't be in their group? So, myself, Chal, Arthur, Mark S., and some others began thinking about what to do and what to call it. We settled on the Manic Optimists, since we arrived at our decision to start a group with mostly the rejects from other groups (Deansmen and Crosstones, respectively). Thus began my Bates legacy - the Manic Optimists, or manops for short.
Had I given up right after the Deansmen audition, I would have never founded this other group, it would not be flourishing today, and I would have not gained entrance into the Deansmen the next year. Thus, my manic optimism (or hypomania, for you psychology buffs) is adaptive. It comes with its price, but I think the price (the pain suffered in my bouts with slight depression, and the shame that accompanies my realization of what has been done in my manic moments) is worth it. If I can sometimes bring light into the darkness, I can brave my own darkness for a time. Everything ends, and though my depression makes me fat, flat, and grumpy (I hibernate like a bear) it also means I feel more deeply than most humans. It makes me a better teacher, able to empathize with those who suffer, to quote Shakespeare, the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." It makes me a better man, because before I act I usually try to see what effect my actions will have on others.
In short, this blog is about my type II bipolar disorder. It's also about how I wouldn't trade that "malady" in for anything else. Without it, I wouldn't be a manic optimist. B+ wouldn't be my attitude and my blood type. I wouldn't be me.
Though right now I am suffering (I can't work because I'm busy dealing with my head) I'd imagine that most of my students, through most of my years as an educator (12) would agree that my low spots are negated by my high spots. My creativity, my lust for knowledge, my genuine interest in my students - all of these are more important than the few times I've been too low to get to class, or too high to be concrete sequential. My blessing is my curse. But through suffering with it, I hope I can show students (and the world) that it's better to be flawed and trying than to stop trying. That it's better to be unique than run of the mill. That though I'm sure I've burned a few bridges, I've constructed better ones.
Thanks for listening - I appreciate your time. I really do. Writing this helps me to find catharsis, and maybe it helps a few others out there that struggle.
Have a great day,
~Mark (@gr8fullyfeclub)
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