Hi all,
There are some people in the world who love you, no matter what. Even if they don't always like you. There's family in a nutshell. I think that everybody struggles, everybody suffers, and everybody falters. What separates those who can overcome those things from those who can't is will and determination. But in addition to those qualities, it REALLY helps to have a support structure of friends and family. I know my struggles can't even compare to many in life - I'm a study in privilege, top to bottom. I always had food on the table, I'm white, male, and tall, and I live in America, one of the wealthiest nations in the world, with a great family in a rural community. I sometimes put myself in weird situations just to see whether I can get myself out. It might even be subconscious. For all my privilege, my college degree from a fancy private college, my monetary advantages, I still get in tight spots. Especially when I'm having happy fun hypo-manic time. I overextend, I reach farther than I can grasp, I hope harder than I should. I wish the world into a better place, and am saddened when I can't make it so. In doing all these things, people misunderstand. They think I'm not able to do the things that I dream, or pay for the things I choose to purchase.
Enter Family. Family by blood, or family I choose - these people stand with me no matter what happens. I need this more than most, perhaps, but it's a good test. Finding out who's true in a pinch is necessary for somebody who gets themselves into some pinches, but it's a good trick to figure out who really loves you as well. During the last iteration of high times @gr8fulyfeclub slash Mark's stupid ideas, I burned some bridges. Some are still waiting to be burned, or are slowly sinking into a river. However, what I've noticed is that some aren't burnable. My mom's bridge is unassailable. So is my Aunt Gail's, and a few other friends and ex girlfriends. I thought my other family members and closest friends were also too tough to be burned, but I managed it. I hope that some of them will help me rebuild their bridges, but I can't wait for that. Instead, I rely on the bridges I've still got. The ones that laughed at my fire and said they'd go with me on the journey. The ones that told me I was acting ridiculous, asked me to slow down for them, and hoped that I'd "color inside the lines" for them. One even smacked my butt and told me I'd been bad! One key feature in friends like that: Empathy. I think my empathy is supercharged because I've been so low so many times, and so high so many times. What I've done, with some success, is make teams of people who can keep up. Who can bring me down in times of height, and up in times of depth. I need a challenge. I need people who I'm willing to stay on my toes for, rein myself in for, and who will ask the same of me. These folks - animal, vegetable, mineral, human and even mechanical - these are my family. I share blood with some of them, good times with others, bad and weird times with others . . . and for some, I dare all, risk all and stand to gain all. However this silly journey of my life ends up, I know it will have been lived hard, lived often and lived well. I know it because my family will not let me do otherwise. In my hubris, I hope that I can keep people like that around me for the rest of my life. If I'm lucky, I'll succeed. Then again, as my high school wrestling coach turned life coach likes to say, luck is the residue of skillful preparation. I guess I'd better keep preparing. For what, I have no idea - but I'm going to be the smartest, most empathetic version of me. Resilient as the tide, strong and steady as trees I cut down to heat my winter fires. I'm going to build a team around me - in good times and bad - and hopefully some of them can hang with me during all of it. I hope to be sitting on a porch, rocking and talking to my grandkids or adoptive grandkids, telling them stories about all the silly things I did in my youth. To survive that long with my mental condition takes a lot of courage, strength and resilience. But more than that it takes the family that's picked me back.
More important (if possible) than all the things above is my ability to forgive. I am sure I'll never forget being abandoned during this process by some pretty key players - friends I grew up with, family I thought I could always depend on, institutions I'd always believed in, humanity . . . the depth of my disappointment is canyon-like. But perhaps the thing that keeps me a good man - the thing makes me better and not bitter - is giving forgiveness to even those who hate me and bring me down. Perhaps even Denny's deserves my forgiveness . . . but never my business. I believe in small, local businesses. Anyhow, I hope that reading some of these words helps somebody to be better in a difficult world. Whether the struggle is mental, societal, monetary, educational . . . no matter what the struggle, empathetic humans are the way to overcome it. We're social creatures for a reason. I needed to lean on many people - some of whom I haven't talked to in years, and some of whom I'd never met before. In the end, reflecting on a few months of manic energy and trouble, what has mattered to me most was that. Most of the time, people are better than we give them credit for. Sometimes, they disappoint us. But being vulnerable on purpose - letting humanity be better than we hope - it's an interesting journey and it gives me hope.
Have a great day, and I hope tomorrow is better than that,
~Mark
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