Schedules

Hi all,

I wake up before 4:30.  It's usually before the sun, and before anyone else in my life wants to wake up (except maybe Jake, my puppy dog).  This means I get a jump on my day, and it means I'm awake and peppy by the time I'm ready to interact with other humans (I'm a teacher).  Sometimes, it means I get an exercise in, but not usually - at least lately.  Most of my workout buddies have had kids, or aren't willing to be at school for a 6 am workout. 

Anyway, being a morning person is kind of annoying.  It leads to time (like this time) where I am pretty much alone, even in a crowded room.  I suppose this loneliness can be channeled, and I suppose I do a decent job of that, but it's not the same as not being lonely.  However . . . I'd rather be a morning person than a stay up late, get to work late sort of guy.  I'd rather have some alone time in the morning than none at all, since I live a pretty social life. 

I guess I need some feedback from the evening people in my life.  I wake up perky, ready to rock and roll, and especially once my veins flow with caffeine, probably a bit nudgy.  At night, I exhibit the same symptoms that most non morning people exhibit in the morning (falling asleep on myself, grumpy, less sentient, etc.)   

Hope you're having a great day so far!

~Mark the morning man

How to keep friends and (stop) influencing people

Hi all,

I'm still working on this, but I think the hardest part of having the struggles I do is that I'm not always the same guy.  I don't have the same amount of energy, belief in myself, happiness, or attitude that people become accustomed to.  In many ways, I hibernate in the winter, and I think that friends and family probably get used to it.  However, it's probably not easy for them to adjust.  I go from gregarious, sometimes overly so (hence the stop influencing people) to recalcitrant.  I wonder, however, what would happen if I was able to stay closer to the center more of the time.  Would I be able to be stable, stalwart and keep friendships for longer?  Would I be able to be more effective at my job?  Or would the flashes of insight that accompany my mania disappear, and leave me boring but stable?  I don't really know.  I am sure that I am able to maintain some stability most of the time (I've had 2 really  major events in my life, and some fights with depression), but I haven't stamped it out, because doing so would keep me stifled and lose most of who I am (I think). 

While trying to find the center, I've used several medications.  Some of them make me fat, tired, boring and unhappy.  I'm not manic, but I'm also not excited about life and therefore I get depressed (or at least very sad).  Some of them make me happy but sometimes too much so.  It's very difficult to keep things on the right track, involving a lot of self evaluation, listening to the feedback of others (like my mother and my coworkers).  Every time I get happy, I have to wonder if I'm too happy and I might become hypo manic or manic.  Every time I am sad, I have to evaluate whether I might become depressed. 

Anyway, food for thought.  Have a great day and stay healthy,

~Mark

Being this way . . . in relationships

Hi all,

Sometimes I struggle maintaining relationships.  Because I'm not always on an even keel, I think sometimes I come across brusque and condescending, and sometimes apathetic and uncaring.  It's an unfortunate byproduct of my mental health condition.  As much as I struggle to stay steady, I'm not always standing upright.  In the words of X ambassadors, "hold, hold on to me - cause I'm a little unsteady."  Sometimes what I need is a support, and sometimes what I need is a kick in the pants - but either way, those who are in my life are necessary to keep me going and keep me steady.  I've built support systems into just about every aspect of my life, and I will continue to do so.  Because I'm not perfect, and because I can't always be objective when self-evaluating, I need people around me who I can trust, and who I can depend upon. 

The harder part is trusting the opinions of those around me when I'm not quite myself.  When I'm low, this means trusting that I'm not really a worthless asymptote.  When I'm high, this means I have to trust that I need to slow down and that I'm not quite making sense.  I can't always do this, and sometimes the message has to be delivered by a lot of folks before I'm willing (well, able) to listen.  I think it's not who I listen to that's the important bit.  It's the number of people saying the same sort of thing.  If you happen to be the 23rd person to tell me I'm running a little fast, I might listen to you - whether you're important in my life or not.  But if you're the first, second, or even 22nd . . . . you might not get my compliance, and you might get my anger and defiance instead. 

In short, if you're in my life - a preemptive apology.  I will, at some point, not listen to good advice that you give.  I will, at some point, be unable to be there for you as the sort of friend you deserve.  But I'll make up for it in times when I have excess to give.  If you happen to be #23, please understand that you're part of a large team and that you're special to me.  But I wouldn't listen to #23 without the contributions of #1-22, so all of you I've seemed to ignore - please know that your influence is still felt even if I can't show it right away.  I'm not ignoring you on purpose.  It's my disease, and I do battle with it every day.

Have a great Saturday,

~Mark

Spreading happiness

Hi all,

Perhaps I find a bigger need to spread joy in my life because of my brain.  I have self imposed so much pain and guilt that sometimes the best way to alleviate my own pain is to bring joy to others.  So I try to do this.  I show people beauty, point at little miracles and find happiness and joy where others might not.  It's for me I guess, but being observant and talkative about it might help others to experience the awesome as well. 

I see the moon.  Even over portopotties, I can see the beauty in it.  I see dragonflies and glinting sun on water, and I can't help loving it.  I can't help but to exclaim to those near me about how awesome it is.  This might make me an incorrigible pain in the ass.  But it also means I'm living life fully, hoping others will exclaim their excitement too. 

There's my thought for the day.  Spread joy, happiness, and find those little miracles.  They're everywhere if you look.

~Mark

Justifiable anger?

Hi all,

Sometimes I struggle with being angry about things.  I know, most of you probably do too.  However, when is it ok for a mind like mine to be enraged?  Lots of things set me off, but I've never been in a fight.  I usually choose calm, middle of the road reactions to things, but sometimes I get really upset because people treat me poorly.  Either they take me for granted, leave me out of things that matter, or do what they feel like without regard for my feelings.  When this happens, is it justifiable to be angry?  Should I stop feeling these feelings because my brain chemistry isn't normal?  Should I endeavor to hide them or bottle them?  Or is it a sign that I'm manic?  Can I be mad but not unhealthy?

I think I'm partially mad this morning because our country and more specifically our president isn't dealing with the racism that is rampant in our society.  I don't fucking understand why he couldn't just condemn the white supremacist rally where people died instead of saying, "but the other side did it too!"  I don't think he's an out and out racist.  But I do think he is disinterested in coming to the table to confront these sorts of issues, instead either blowing them off or saying that they're liberal snowflakes who have nothing to complain about.  I'd imagine he's just barely smart enough to realize that that sort of statement would result in his impeachment.  So instead, he dances around it.  He says the people standing up to racism and bigotry are part of the problem because they're peacefully protesting.  He tries to imply that if they weren't there, the asshole who hit them wouldn't have gotten mad. 

But when something is wrong, is it not a justifiable, normal reaction to be angry?  And what is normal, anyway?  As a friend of mine's father once said, "normal ain't nothing but a setting on a dryer."  If I choose apathy when things are wrong out of a fear that my demons are getting to me, I think I'm a lesser citizen and a lesser person.  I have to truly feel the emotions in order to deal with them, address the situation if I can, and have the wisdom to know what I can't change (serenity prayer).  There are a lot of things a privileged white male like myself can change.  However, the attitude and the disrespect the president shows toward protesters and people of color isn't something that I, with all my social and political clout, can do anything about.  I can rail against it in this blog, I can go to rallies and support my friends, and I can try my damndest to live my life in such a way that I am supportive in every way I can be to the ideologies that I believe in. 

I guess I've now, "told you why I'm mad."  Hope it's either informative or at the least not widening the divide between the alt right and us liberal snowflakes.

Have a good day,

Mark

Summers, afa^2

Hi all,

It's been a while, hope you've all been well.  I'm realizing that summer's coming to a close and I haven't said much on the blog lately.  So here goes.  I find that my teaching career feeds into my mood swings with some predictability, and that summer is usually a time where I'm high.  Not surprisingly, it also means increased spending, silly chicanery, more dating, adventures, and low balances at the bank.  My struggle for the last few weeks of summer is as follows: Do cheap and free things that are still awesome.  In fact, I want to write a social media app that helps people find things like this.  It's going to be named something like AFA or A squared - always free and awesome.  Maybe afaa.  or Afasquared.  I dunno, feel free to comment suggestions. 

Anyway, the basic premise is this.  There have to be others like me who are always in search of the next adventure.  There also have to be others who, like me, can't afford to have all those adventures be expensive.  So, Afa^2 will use social media and crowd sourcing to find the best of every area.  For instance, in my neck of the woods, I think tubing the farmington is one of the best things.  It's free as long as you have 2 vehicles and a couple inner tubes.  It's not hard, and as long as you can swim it's a great way to spend a lazy day in the hot summer.  But, unless you know the river and where to park, put in and take out, you can get lost and end up walking miles to your car.  So it's only free if you have the knowledge.  I know people have little gems like this for their areas that I haven't figured out yet, and I'd love to hear about them.  So this app is like waze for driving, helping people avoid the pitfalls of other travelers while they do cool adventures.  They could also advise that parts of the adventure are illegal, and help people do a risk assessment to see whether it's a good idea.  Of course, nobody advises illegal activity, just like nobody advises people to speed when they use waze, but knowing the risks and where the cops are help people make better decisions.