Hi all,
I hope that you all are enjoying your time with friends and family this holiday season. I'm trying to retain my optimism, but it's a little hard for me this year. I suppose it's always the way of the holidays that we lament the loss of people who are no longer with us. Strangely, this year I have many people who I miss despite the fact that they're still here. Yet I feel their loss because they aren't as close as they used to be. Or their lives and families have occupied their time. That's as it should be, I suppose. Maybe it's my fault for being too intransigent. Or dreaming dreams that are too big.
So, I've recommitted myself to thanking people who have helped me, or who make my life better. People who care and show that they do. I've written several letters this morning, and I want to keep my gratitude. It's not every day that you are as lucky as I've been. Though it isn't always clear, I hope that there's a reason. I have to believe that the people who have been in my life were there because I needed them. And maybe, if I'm even luckier, I will be able to be there for them in their time of need. Perhaps my ability to empathize gives me my greatest strength, and my ability to help those who need it my biggest life goal.
Anyway, there are my musings for today. Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Terrible Tuesdays?
Hi all,
Every day is a struggle, but one worth putting your best foot forward on. My grandma would have said, "fake it 'till you make it" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." This morning was cold in my town, and I forgot/procrastinated about my insulation for my attic, so the breeze was coming right in. Add to that the fact that my fire went out overnight, and it was a chilly morning. Then, youtube crashed on my amazon TV, and I couldn't listen to music! It seemed like everything was going wrong. But I found my way to work, said hi to some coworkers and students, and went on my merry(ish) way.
In a rough patch, all of these things could have stopped me from getting to work. They seemed to be insignificant, but they pile up and keep me from being the positive, happy self I aspire to be. I could have looked at the cold as a barrier, focused on my fire instead of just turning up the thermostat, and started down the path to a negative nellie kind of day. My upset stomach could have built itself up in my mind into an unconquerable obstacle. Instead, I overcame the frustrations I was feeling and recommitted to having a good day. It helps to talk to my parents and re-center my outlook. It also helps knowing that I'm valued by both the students and the staff at my school, and that the day wouldn't be the same without me.
Once at school, I found that my student for my first period class was absent, so I got extra prep time. First, I planned a lesson for geometry tomorrow, then I sat down to reflect on this day and how I can make it better for my students. I'm going to start with a smile and a greeting for each of them as they come in, to make sure they feel welcomed in their math class. Then, I'll see how much progress each of them can make today, as they struggle through what is for many of them their most difficult subject. I'll try to take into account that they all might have had rough/cold/difficult mornings in other ways, and try to make up for the difficulties with a positive attitude and ebullient nature.
At any rate, there's my daily struggle. I know you all face your own, and I wish you luck in staying positive and facing the challenges with a smile on your face.
Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
Every day is a struggle, but one worth putting your best foot forward on. My grandma would have said, "fake it 'till you make it" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." This morning was cold in my town, and I forgot/procrastinated about my insulation for my attic, so the breeze was coming right in. Add to that the fact that my fire went out overnight, and it was a chilly morning. Then, youtube crashed on my amazon TV, and I couldn't listen to music! It seemed like everything was going wrong. But I found my way to work, said hi to some coworkers and students, and went on my merry(ish) way.
In a rough patch, all of these things could have stopped me from getting to work. They seemed to be insignificant, but they pile up and keep me from being the positive, happy self I aspire to be. I could have looked at the cold as a barrier, focused on my fire instead of just turning up the thermostat, and started down the path to a negative nellie kind of day. My upset stomach could have built itself up in my mind into an unconquerable obstacle. Instead, I overcame the frustrations I was feeling and recommitted to having a good day. It helps to talk to my parents and re-center my outlook. It also helps knowing that I'm valued by both the students and the staff at my school, and that the day wouldn't be the same without me.
Once at school, I found that my student for my first period class was absent, so I got extra prep time. First, I planned a lesson for geometry tomorrow, then I sat down to reflect on this day and how I can make it better for my students. I'm going to start with a smile and a greeting for each of them as they come in, to make sure they feel welcomed in their math class. Then, I'll see how much progress each of them can make today, as they struggle through what is for many of them their most difficult subject. I'll try to take into account that they all might have had rough/cold/difficult mornings in other ways, and try to make up for the difficulties with a positive attitude and ebullient nature.
At any rate, there's my daily struggle. I know you all face your own, and I wish you luck in staying positive and facing the challenges with a smile on your face.
Have a great day everybody,
~Mark
Monday, December 19, 2016
Mondays
Hi all,
I wasn't particularly excited about coming in to work today. I know, shocking. However, the week before the holiday at school comes with some rare educational opportunities as well as some frustrating behavior. I went out of my way to be nice to students and faculty alike today, and it has made all the difference. Yes, there were several behavioral outbursts. But I also was able to accomplish some real teaching and learning, mostly because I used my skill and persistence, as well as an unwavering belief that all of my students can succeed. There are only 4 more days before the winter break, and I just know I can make a difference during that time.
It's a rare privilege to help shape the mind of a student, and I take it seriously. I do, most days and in most ways, love what I do. It's the nonsense that gets in the way of teaching that I dislike. Especially because I teach an unpopular subject (math), and students take issue with the subject matter or are intimidated by it, there are conflicts. It takes my best redirection, my most positive attitude, and my experience as an educator to keep students on task on a regular day. But this week is when my mettle really gets tested. I sell something that no one wants to buy, with a group of hormonal teenagers as my audience. To do my job right, I have to be able to sell ice to Eskimos. With sugar/caffeine rushes. On a week where many of them have family things that stress them out. While all they want to do is celebrate, and the last thing they want to do is learn another math lesson.
Anyhow, I welcome the challenge. Let's see what next block brings.
Have a great day,
Mark
I wasn't particularly excited about coming in to work today. I know, shocking. However, the week before the holiday at school comes with some rare educational opportunities as well as some frustrating behavior. I went out of my way to be nice to students and faculty alike today, and it has made all the difference. Yes, there were several behavioral outbursts. But I also was able to accomplish some real teaching and learning, mostly because I used my skill and persistence, as well as an unwavering belief that all of my students can succeed. There are only 4 more days before the winter break, and I just know I can make a difference during that time.
It's a rare privilege to help shape the mind of a student, and I take it seriously. I do, most days and in most ways, love what I do. It's the nonsense that gets in the way of teaching that I dislike. Especially because I teach an unpopular subject (math), and students take issue with the subject matter or are intimidated by it, there are conflicts. It takes my best redirection, my most positive attitude, and my experience as an educator to keep students on task on a regular day. But this week is when my mettle really gets tested. I sell something that no one wants to buy, with a group of hormonal teenagers as my audience. To do my job right, I have to be able to sell ice to Eskimos. With sugar/caffeine rushes. On a week where many of them have family things that stress them out. While all they want to do is celebrate, and the last thing they want to do is learn another math lesson.
Anyhow, I welcome the challenge. Let's see what next block brings.
Have a great day,
Mark
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Colds
Hi all,
I woke up (after sleeping until 6 this morning - rare for me) with a head cold. Not a fun feeling, but I still try to find the bright side of it. I know that without feeling this way sometimes, I might not appreciate the days when I feel great. And maybe, with lots of water, tea and rest I can overcome it and be stronger eventually.
Anyhow, though I don't have a ton of motivation today, I do have some. And I'm excited about a few things happening today, so I'll rest, hydrate and power through. Because I should. And because I can. Every day is full of possibilities if I let myself dream. It would be easy for me to just watch tv and do nothing today, but that would be crappy. Bad for me, and lacking in possibility. Even if it costs some money and makes me a bit uncomfortable, it's better than sitting at home doing nothing. I get good conversation, maybe some new friends, and interaction with family. All important stuff.
Have a great day all - I'm going to grab my guitar and do a bit of practice.
~Mark
I woke up (after sleeping until 6 this morning - rare for me) with a head cold. Not a fun feeling, but I still try to find the bright side of it. I know that without feeling this way sometimes, I might not appreciate the days when I feel great. And maybe, with lots of water, tea and rest I can overcome it and be stronger eventually.
Anyhow, though I don't have a ton of motivation today, I do have some. And I'm excited about a few things happening today, so I'll rest, hydrate and power through. Because I should. And because I can. Every day is full of possibilities if I let myself dream. It would be easy for me to just watch tv and do nothing today, but that would be crappy. Bad for me, and lacking in possibility. Even if it costs some money and makes me a bit uncomfortable, it's better than sitting at home doing nothing. I get good conversation, maybe some new friends, and interaction with family. All important stuff.
Have a great day all - I'm going to grab my guitar and do a bit of practice.
~Mark
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Beards.
Hi all,
I guess my beard is becoming symbolic of my journey at this point. I like that I'm starting to look like Yukon Cornelius, and I try to be jolly enough to match my face. It's hard this time of year, remembering family that is no longer around, or spending time far from friends. People just aren't what they used to be. Or maybe I'm becoming a different person and some of my friends will just fall away if they aren't on board with who I'm becoming.
I want the world to be better. I want to help students learn, bring joy into as many situations as I can, and have people like me. I wouldn't think that would be too much to ask, but lately it has been. So, the beard allows me to keep my emotions behind the scruff. It starts conversations, and makes me a caricature of myself. As the bearded lumberjack, people assume I'm jovial and fun, and so I fall into my role more often than not. In a way, having a larger than life beard makes me as a person a bit larger than life.
Yes, it's itchy. Yes, I might look more professional with it trimmed. Yes, I've lost girlfriends to the beard. But overall it's worth it. It's like a witch's hair. Once shorn, I lose the abilities that come with the beard. As Gary, "the jacket" used to say when he was an assistant principal, sometimes the clothes make the man. He wore a jacket every day he was a principal, and it seemed to carry the authority and weight of his position. People stopped and paid attention just because he looked like he was in charge. My beard maketh me. People treat me differently because I'm brawny, big and bearded. I've been called lumbersexual. Girls who otherwise might not pay attention to me start conversations randomly about the beard. It's become my "thing," and as such, it changes how my day goes. I go into it jovial and positive, and when I can't maintain that level of happiness, I can hide some emotion behind the beard. Students say things like, "hommes' looks like Santa!" and even when I know they're making fun of me, it makes me happy.
So. I write, I compose, I teach. I try to be a good dad to my puppy, a good teacher to my students, a good friend and son and brother. Through all of this, I think my beard changes my attitude and therefore my day. Maybe it's a sugar pill, but I choose to believe.
Have a great day all,
~Mark
I guess my beard is becoming symbolic of my journey at this point. I like that I'm starting to look like Yukon Cornelius, and I try to be jolly enough to match my face. It's hard this time of year, remembering family that is no longer around, or spending time far from friends. People just aren't what they used to be. Or maybe I'm becoming a different person and some of my friends will just fall away if they aren't on board with who I'm becoming.
I want the world to be better. I want to help students learn, bring joy into as many situations as I can, and have people like me. I wouldn't think that would be too much to ask, but lately it has been. So, the beard allows me to keep my emotions behind the scruff. It starts conversations, and makes me a caricature of myself. As the bearded lumberjack, people assume I'm jovial and fun, and so I fall into my role more often than not. In a way, having a larger than life beard makes me as a person a bit larger than life.
Yes, it's itchy. Yes, I might look more professional with it trimmed. Yes, I've lost girlfriends to the beard. But overall it's worth it. It's like a witch's hair. Once shorn, I lose the abilities that come with the beard. As Gary, "the jacket" used to say when he was an assistant principal, sometimes the clothes make the man. He wore a jacket every day he was a principal, and it seemed to carry the authority and weight of his position. People stopped and paid attention just because he looked like he was in charge. My beard maketh me. People treat me differently because I'm brawny, big and bearded. I've been called lumbersexual. Girls who otherwise might not pay attention to me start conversations randomly about the beard. It's become my "thing," and as such, it changes how my day goes. I go into it jovial and positive, and when I can't maintain that level of happiness, I can hide some emotion behind the beard. Students say things like, "hommes' looks like Santa!" and even when I know they're making fun of me, it makes me happy.
So. I write, I compose, I teach. I try to be a good dad to my puppy, a good teacher to my students, a good friend and son and brother. Through all of this, I think my beard changes my attitude and therefore my day. Maybe it's a sugar pill, but I choose to believe.
Have a great day all,
~Mark
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Coffee and renewed optimism
Hi all,
Me again. Sorry if you're tired of reading my thoughts by now, but I like putting them down. It seems to help me focus for the day. So here's today.
I can't start my fricking fire. That's annoying. I think I'm going to have to start fresh after removing all the ashes after work today. It needs to be going for the arctic chill that's coming.
Luckily, I still have Jake the dog to keep me warm, and coffee for my hands. It's been a nice morning.
I also have the privilege of teaching today, which I am trying to embrace, though it takes me away from my warm house with my snuggly puppy. It also leads me into a milieu of hormonal middle school children in the weeks before the holidays, and it's interesting trying to wrangle all of them into a math lesson. But it's a challenge I accept, each and every day when I wake up. They deserve my best, and I will do my utmost to ensure that they are educated to the fullest of my ability.
Maybe I'm oversharing with this whole blog thing, but I like it. It reminds me to think about what's important, and what I can live without. For instance, even on this bitter cold morning, I have clothes, blankets, a warm dog and coffee, electricity, heat, a car with a butt warmer (thanks Audi for thinking of that) and the ability to become vertical and ventilating. Compared to most of the world, I'm doing just fine.
Enjoy your day everybody! And if it's going to be a shitake mushroom day, fry them in butter and hope they are delicious.
Mark
Me again. Sorry if you're tired of reading my thoughts by now, but I like putting them down. It seems to help me focus for the day. So here's today.
I can't start my fricking fire. That's annoying. I think I'm going to have to start fresh after removing all the ashes after work today. It needs to be going for the arctic chill that's coming.
Luckily, I still have Jake the dog to keep me warm, and coffee for my hands. It's been a nice morning.
I also have the privilege of teaching today, which I am trying to embrace, though it takes me away from my warm house with my snuggly puppy. It also leads me into a milieu of hormonal middle school children in the weeks before the holidays, and it's interesting trying to wrangle all of them into a math lesson. But it's a challenge I accept, each and every day when I wake up. They deserve my best, and I will do my utmost to ensure that they are educated to the fullest of my ability.
Maybe I'm oversharing with this whole blog thing, but I like it. It reminds me to think about what's important, and what I can live without. For instance, even on this bitter cold morning, I have clothes, blankets, a warm dog and coffee, electricity, heat, a car with a butt warmer (thanks Audi for thinking of that) and the ability to become vertical and ventilating. Compared to most of the world, I'm doing just fine.
Enjoy your day everybody! And if it's going to be a shitake mushroom day, fry them in butter and hope they are delicious.
Mark
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
On days when it's hard to be optimistic
I'm going to do it anyway.
At least I will try to still be optimistic. When I woke up this morning, I remembered that someone close to me had left my life. It's not fun to wake up to that, or to have lost people who you love. But I woke up anyway, walked down the stairs and greeted my puppy, who was pretty pumped to see me. He didn't realize that his mom made the decision to leave me, or that I was grumpy this morning. He just wanted to see his human and be petted.
Maybe this blog will be the difference between me having a positive and a more negative day. Either way, I know Jake from State Farm (the dog) helped, and I know that I am committed to giving my best to my students today. So what can a guy do? Well, I'm going to greet every student with a smile. Remember the best things that happened with my ex, and the good that was wrought in the world because of our happiness, fleeting though it may have been. Then I'm going to turn that into positive outcomes in my classroom. I have the most math-phobic students in my school, so I will build in them confidence, security, and love of my subject. Then, at the end of the day, I will do something nice for me. I'm not sure what that is yet, but I have lots of friends and some family, so maybe I can set up something with one of them.
It's on the bad days that I realize how important it is to remain positive. I could easily be grumpy all day and put negative stuff in the world, but that would probably lead to grumpy students, me having to call parents and write discipline referrals, and other bad things. So. I'll put aside my personal crap, suck it up, and get through the day with my best attitude. I'll probably have crappy points in my day. But at least I can start with a positive attitude and pet my dog.
Have a great day all,
Mark
At least I will try to still be optimistic. When I woke up this morning, I remembered that someone close to me had left my life. It's not fun to wake up to that, or to have lost people who you love. But I woke up anyway, walked down the stairs and greeted my puppy, who was pretty pumped to see me. He didn't realize that his mom made the decision to leave me, or that I was grumpy this morning. He just wanted to see his human and be petted.
Maybe this blog will be the difference between me having a positive and a more negative day. Either way, I know Jake from State Farm (the dog) helped, and I know that I am committed to giving my best to my students today. So what can a guy do? Well, I'm going to greet every student with a smile. Remember the best things that happened with my ex, and the good that was wrought in the world because of our happiness, fleeting though it may have been. Then I'm going to turn that into positive outcomes in my classroom. I have the most math-phobic students in my school, so I will build in them confidence, security, and love of my subject. Then, at the end of the day, I will do something nice for me. I'm not sure what that is yet, but I have lots of friends and some family, so maybe I can set up something with one of them.
It's on the bad days that I realize how important it is to remain positive. I could easily be grumpy all day and put negative stuff in the world, but that would probably lead to grumpy students, me having to call parents and write discipline referrals, and other bad things. So. I'll put aside my personal crap, suck it up, and get through the day with my best attitude. I'll probably have crappy points in my day. But at least I can start with a positive attitude and pet my dog.
Have a great day all,
Mark
Friday, December 9, 2016
philosophy attacks!
I like this a lot.
Thanks for the share.
http://philosiology.blogspot.com/2011/04/surviving-philosopher-attack.html
I hope that in general I am not one of these, but sometimes I can't help myself I'm sure.
Thanks for the share.
http://philosiology.blogspot.com/2011/04/surviving-philosopher-attack.html
I hope that in general I am not one of these, but sometimes I can't help myself I'm sure.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Be the change you wish to see
Hi all,
I like living by the adage, "be the change you wish to see in the world." I think it mostly makes me better, happier, and healthier. However, sometimes it can land you in some strange situations. For instance, picking up a tab for people in a restaurant when you can't afford it is no fun. Neither is reaching so hard for a charity goal that you bankrupt yourself doing it (@gr8fulyfeclub). Or buying $200 worth of McDonalds, saying "feed everybody who comes in hungry today" and then losing your car in the process. At any rate, it sounds easier to do than it actually is.
So. Where does that leave me? Be the change I wish to see, if:
a) I can afford it
b) people are willing to help
c) People will understand what I'm trying to do
d)Someone will bankroll the idea
e) ?
f)?
I guess I'm trying to put in place some safety nets, so what happened to me the first time won't happen again. I should probably start a kickstarter campaign, write some grants and see what I can do. I have already generated a team of people who will help me, but I have to stop going all rogue/lone wolf/batman on this situation. I need to wait until people are willing to help, plan things way ahead of time, and generate some income to base this off of. A teacher's salary alone isn't cutting it.
At any rate, perhaps the smartest thing I can do at the moment is put the brakes on, get a tax id number so I can give people receipts, and get some donations. The basic premise, in case you're interested, is that I am grateful for everything I have in my life. In fact, in some cases I have 3 iterations of things. In computers, I have a yoga, an old linux laptop, a desktop, an amazon fire tv, a chromebook, two phones, 10 printers . . . the list goes on and on. What I've decided for myself is to keep the top 3 of any set. So for instance, the top three computers: laptop, linux laptop, and chromebook. Then, the rest of them can go to students, people in need, Costa Rica, or anyone I think could use a boost. This directed giving should, in theory, help those folks elevate their lives and improve their standing in the world, and they will hopefully pay it forward someday. I do the same thing with bikes, tools, clothes, etc, I call it the rising tide - a reference to trickle down economics which of course hasn't worked, and the idea that a rising tide lifts all ships. Trickle up economics seemed too slow, and things don't trickle upwards. In essence, instead of legislating charitable donations, I want to, by example, help everybody around me and show them a better way. I want to educate them, give them things I don't need, and help them to bolster their communities too. In this way, we can rebuild the middle class. In this way, we can each have a happier, healthier life. (referencing the TED talk where directed giving makes us happier). I want to work my way up to cars and boats. But I'll start where I am. I have extra math knowledge, extra bikes, tools, kitchen supplies, yard equipment . . . and I want to de-clutter my life. I want to help people by giving them things that will improve their life or give them new opportunities. But they have to want the help. They have to show that it helped them, and I hope they will pass it along to someone less fortunate.
I like living by the adage, "be the change you wish to see in the world." I think it mostly makes me better, happier, and healthier. However, sometimes it can land you in some strange situations. For instance, picking up a tab for people in a restaurant when you can't afford it is no fun. Neither is reaching so hard for a charity goal that you bankrupt yourself doing it (@gr8fulyfeclub). Or buying $200 worth of McDonalds, saying "feed everybody who comes in hungry today" and then losing your car in the process. At any rate, it sounds easier to do than it actually is.
So. Where does that leave me? Be the change I wish to see, if:
a) I can afford it
b) people are willing to help
c) People will understand what I'm trying to do
d)Someone will bankroll the idea
e) ?
f)?
I guess I'm trying to put in place some safety nets, so what happened to me the first time won't happen again. I should probably start a kickstarter campaign, write some grants and see what I can do. I have already generated a team of people who will help me, but I have to stop going all rogue/lone wolf/batman on this situation. I need to wait until people are willing to help, plan things way ahead of time, and generate some income to base this off of. A teacher's salary alone isn't cutting it.
At any rate, perhaps the smartest thing I can do at the moment is put the brakes on, get a tax id number so I can give people receipts, and get some donations. The basic premise, in case you're interested, is that I am grateful for everything I have in my life. In fact, in some cases I have 3 iterations of things. In computers, I have a yoga, an old linux laptop, a desktop, an amazon fire tv, a chromebook, two phones, 10 printers . . . the list goes on and on. What I've decided for myself is to keep the top 3 of any set. So for instance, the top three computers: laptop, linux laptop, and chromebook. Then, the rest of them can go to students, people in need, Costa Rica, or anyone I think could use a boost. This directed giving should, in theory, help those folks elevate their lives and improve their standing in the world, and they will hopefully pay it forward someday. I do the same thing with bikes, tools, clothes, etc, I call it the rising tide - a reference to trickle down economics which of course hasn't worked, and the idea that a rising tide lifts all ships. Trickle up economics seemed too slow, and things don't trickle upwards. In essence, instead of legislating charitable donations, I want to, by example, help everybody around me and show them a better way. I want to educate them, give them things I don't need, and help them to bolster their communities too. In this way, we can rebuild the middle class. In this way, we can each have a happier, healthier life. (referencing the TED talk where directed giving makes us happier). I want to work my way up to cars and boats. But I'll start where I am. I have extra math knowledge, extra bikes, tools, kitchen supplies, yard equipment . . . and I want to de-clutter my life. I want to help people by giving them things that will improve their life or give them new opportunities. But they have to want the help. They have to show that it helped them, and I hope they will pass it along to someone less fortunate.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Family . . . and its implications
Hi all,
There are some people in the world who love you, no matter what. Even if they don't always like you. There's family in a nutshell. I think that everybody struggles, everybody suffers, and everybody falters. What separates those who can overcome those things from those who can't is will and determination. But in addition to those qualities, it REALLY helps to have a support structure of friends and family. I know my struggles can't even compare to many in life - I'm a study in privilege, top to bottom. I always had food on the table, I'm white, male, and tall, and I live in America, one of the wealthiest nations in the world, with a great family in a rural community. I sometimes put myself in weird situations just to see whether I can get myself out. It might even be subconscious. For all my privilege, my college degree from a fancy private college, my monetary advantages, I still get in tight spots. Especially when I'm having happy fun hypo-manic time. I overextend, I reach farther than I can grasp, I hope harder than I should. I wish the world into a better place, and am saddened when I can't make it so. In doing all these things, people misunderstand. They think I'm not able to do the things that I dream, or pay for the things I choose to purchase.
Enter Family. Family by blood, or family I choose - these people stand with me no matter what happens. I need this more than most, perhaps, but it's a good test. Finding out who's true in a pinch is necessary for somebody who gets themselves into some pinches, but it's a good trick to figure out who really loves you as well. During the last iteration of high times @gr8fulyfeclub slash Mark's stupid ideas, I burned some bridges. Some are still waiting to be burned, or are slowly sinking into a river. However, what I've noticed is that some aren't burnable. My mom's bridge is unassailable. So is my Aunt Gail's, and a few other friends and ex girlfriends. I thought my other family members and closest friends were also too tough to be burned, but I managed it. I hope that some of them will help me rebuild their bridges, but I can't wait for that. Instead, I rely on the bridges I've still got. The ones that laughed at my fire and said they'd go with me on the journey. The ones that told me I was acting ridiculous, asked me to slow down for them, and hoped that I'd "color inside the lines" for them. One even smacked my butt and told me I'd been bad! One key feature in friends like that: Empathy. I think my empathy is supercharged because I've been so low so many times, and so high so many times. What I've done, with some success, is make teams of people who can keep up. Who can bring me down in times of height, and up in times of depth. I need a challenge. I need people who I'm willing to stay on my toes for, rein myself in for, and who will ask the same of me. These folks - animal, vegetable, mineral, human and even mechanical - these are my family. I share blood with some of them, good times with others, bad and weird times with others . . . and for some, I dare all, risk all and stand to gain all. However this silly journey of my life ends up, I know it will have been lived hard, lived often and lived well. I know it because my family will not let me do otherwise. In my hubris, I hope that I can keep people like that around me for the rest of my life. If I'm lucky, I'll succeed. Then again, as my high school wrestling coach turned life coach likes to say, luck is the residue of skillful preparation. I guess I'd better keep preparing. For what, I have no idea - but I'm going to be the smartest, most empathetic version of me. Resilient as the tide, strong and steady as trees I cut down to heat my winter fires. I'm going to build a team around me - in good times and bad - and hopefully some of them can hang with me during all of it. I hope to be sitting on a porch, rocking and talking to my grandkids or adoptive grandkids, telling them stories about all the silly things I did in my youth. To survive that long with my mental condition takes a lot of courage, strength and resilience. But more than that it takes the family that's picked me back.
More important (if possible) than all the things above is my ability to forgive. I am sure I'll never forget being abandoned during this process by some pretty key players - friends I grew up with, family I thought I could always depend on, institutions I'd always believed in, humanity . . . the depth of my disappointment is canyon-like. But perhaps the thing that keeps me a good man - the thing makes me better and not bitter - is giving forgiveness to even those who hate me and bring me down. Perhaps even Denny's deserves my forgiveness . . . but never my business. I believe in small, local businesses. Anyhow, I hope that reading some of these words helps somebody to be better in a difficult world. Whether the struggle is mental, societal, monetary, educational . . . no matter what the struggle, empathetic humans are the way to overcome it. We're social creatures for a reason. I needed to lean on many people - some of whom I haven't talked to in years, and some of whom I'd never met before. In the end, reflecting on a few months of manic energy and trouble, what has mattered to me most was that. Most of the time, people are better than we give them credit for. Sometimes, they disappoint us. But being vulnerable on purpose - letting humanity be better than we hope - it's an interesting journey and it gives me hope.
Have a great day, and I hope tomorrow is better than that,
~Mark
There are some people in the world who love you, no matter what. Even if they don't always like you. There's family in a nutshell. I think that everybody struggles, everybody suffers, and everybody falters. What separates those who can overcome those things from those who can't is will and determination. But in addition to those qualities, it REALLY helps to have a support structure of friends and family. I know my struggles can't even compare to many in life - I'm a study in privilege, top to bottom. I always had food on the table, I'm white, male, and tall, and I live in America, one of the wealthiest nations in the world, with a great family in a rural community. I sometimes put myself in weird situations just to see whether I can get myself out. It might even be subconscious. For all my privilege, my college degree from a fancy private college, my monetary advantages, I still get in tight spots. Especially when I'm having happy fun hypo-manic time. I overextend, I reach farther than I can grasp, I hope harder than I should. I wish the world into a better place, and am saddened when I can't make it so. In doing all these things, people misunderstand. They think I'm not able to do the things that I dream, or pay for the things I choose to purchase.
Enter Family. Family by blood, or family I choose - these people stand with me no matter what happens. I need this more than most, perhaps, but it's a good test. Finding out who's true in a pinch is necessary for somebody who gets themselves into some pinches, but it's a good trick to figure out who really loves you as well. During the last iteration of high times @gr8fulyfeclub slash Mark's stupid ideas, I burned some bridges. Some are still waiting to be burned, or are slowly sinking into a river. However, what I've noticed is that some aren't burnable. My mom's bridge is unassailable. So is my Aunt Gail's, and a few other friends and ex girlfriends. I thought my other family members and closest friends were also too tough to be burned, but I managed it. I hope that some of them will help me rebuild their bridges, but I can't wait for that. Instead, I rely on the bridges I've still got. The ones that laughed at my fire and said they'd go with me on the journey. The ones that told me I was acting ridiculous, asked me to slow down for them, and hoped that I'd "color inside the lines" for them. One even smacked my butt and told me I'd been bad! One key feature in friends like that: Empathy. I think my empathy is supercharged because I've been so low so many times, and so high so many times. What I've done, with some success, is make teams of people who can keep up. Who can bring me down in times of height, and up in times of depth. I need a challenge. I need people who I'm willing to stay on my toes for, rein myself in for, and who will ask the same of me. These folks - animal, vegetable, mineral, human and even mechanical - these are my family. I share blood with some of them, good times with others, bad and weird times with others . . . and for some, I dare all, risk all and stand to gain all. However this silly journey of my life ends up, I know it will have been lived hard, lived often and lived well. I know it because my family will not let me do otherwise. In my hubris, I hope that I can keep people like that around me for the rest of my life. If I'm lucky, I'll succeed. Then again, as my high school wrestling coach turned life coach likes to say, luck is the residue of skillful preparation. I guess I'd better keep preparing. For what, I have no idea - but I'm going to be the smartest, most empathetic version of me. Resilient as the tide, strong and steady as trees I cut down to heat my winter fires. I'm going to build a team around me - in good times and bad - and hopefully some of them can hang with me during all of it. I hope to be sitting on a porch, rocking and talking to my grandkids or adoptive grandkids, telling them stories about all the silly things I did in my youth. To survive that long with my mental condition takes a lot of courage, strength and resilience. But more than that it takes the family that's picked me back.
More important (if possible) than all the things above is my ability to forgive. I am sure I'll never forget being abandoned during this process by some pretty key players - friends I grew up with, family I thought I could always depend on, institutions I'd always believed in, humanity . . . the depth of my disappointment is canyon-like. But perhaps the thing that keeps me a good man - the thing makes me better and not bitter - is giving forgiveness to even those who hate me and bring me down. Perhaps even Denny's deserves my forgiveness . . . but never my business. I believe in small, local businesses. Anyhow, I hope that reading some of these words helps somebody to be better in a difficult world. Whether the struggle is mental, societal, monetary, educational . . . no matter what the struggle, empathetic humans are the way to overcome it. We're social creatures for a reason. I needed to lean on many people - some of whom I haven't talked to in years, and some of whom I'd never met before. In the end, reflecting on a few months of manic energy and trouble, what has mattered to me most was that. Most of the time, people are better than we give them credit for. Sometimes, they disappoint us. But being vulnerable on purpose - letting humanity be better than we hope - it's an interesting journey and it gives me hope.
Have a great day, and I hope tomorrow is better than that,
~Mark
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Post-prandial Thanksgiving-ness
Hi all,
I managed to not buy anything on black friday. I was a hair's breadth away from trading my 2013 Tacoma and my girlfriend's Jeep patriot (08) in on a brand new charger and ram. However. We did the math, and it wasn't worth taking upside-down trades on both cars and living on Ramen for the next 6 years. Or taking a 15% financing. We went 'round and 'round, trying to figure out how to finance it and afford it, but at the end of the day, keeping the cars we have, at least in the short term, makes the most sense. We can find cheap parts, fix Bob (the Patriot) and keep him happy-ish for a bit. For instance, I've already found tires for 150 on Craigslist that are nearly new.
In the words of Pat Green, "I'm for dusty old guitars, and boxers past their prime, I'm for takin' in that stray dog, who's been hangin' round a while," he also says it's good to get out of debt. The shortest path to that is by keeping what I have, paying it off FAST (overpaying every month) and using it until it's actually, legitimately, dead. Not trading an old car that's upside down for a new car that's even more so.
Anyway, though this post seems kind of negative, it's actually positive. Consumerism and the "American Dream" has been morphed into, "It must be new or it must be shit" but that's not the way this optimist wants to live. I want old. Quality. And if there's anything I buy new, I expect it to last many many years. Like an American Made Cannondale or Harley. Or a Collins Axe, or DR bush mower. Made of Beef. And Cake.
Have a great day, and good luck avoiding all the sales!
Mark
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Thanksgiving
Hi all,
Happy Thanksgiving! I'm hoping for all of you that you can find peace, love and harmony today. I find as I get older, I get more hippie-dippie in my outlook. I mean, it's not like I hug trees (well, occasionally I do, but then I sometimes cut them down). However, the older I get the more I wish for peace, balance, zen . . . you know, the hippie stuff. What I've noticed is that most conflict, stress, and difficulty can be avoided with some zen thinking, and if anything gets past that, it can still get handled with a little help from my friends.
I'm trying not to be bitter, as some of my friends have fallen away lately, others have sided with people who don't deserve it, and many people aren't loyal when you're down. I guess, like sports fans, some friends only root for you when you're ok and friendship with you is easy (the people who only root for the Red Sox when they're winning). True fans, and true friends, are with you no matter what. Hopefully you can all find out who's really with you. It's an important thing to discover.
Anyway, enough negativity. I hope that you are all prosperous, improving, and warm today. I hope you have all the food you need to feed you and everyone you know. I'm personally hoping that I can find some ways to do good today, not just eat turkey and get fatter and more complacent.
Be well,
~Mark
Happy Thanksgiving! I'm hoping for all of you that you can find peace, love and harmony today. I find as I get older, I get more hippie-dippie in my outlook. I mean, it's not like I hug trees (well, occasionally I do, but then I sometimes cut them down). However, the older I get the more I wish for peace, balance, zen . . . you know, the hippie stuff. What I've noticed is that most conflict, stress, and difficulty can be avoided with some zen thinking, and if anything gets past that, it can still get handled with a little help from my friends.
I'm trying not to be bitter, as some of my friends have fallen away lately, others have sided with people who don't deserve it, and many people aren't loyal when you're down. I guess, like sports fans, some friends only root for you when you're ok and friendship with you is easy (the people who only root for the Red Sox when they're winning). True fans, and true friends, are with you no matter what. Hopefully you can all find out who's really with you. It's an important thing to discover.
Anyway, enough negativity. I hope that you are all prosperous, improving, and warm today. I hope you have all the food you need to feed you and everyone you know. I'm personally hoping that I can find some ways to do good today, not just eat turkey and get fatter and more complacent.
Be well,
~Mark
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Manic Optimism (why it's better, and why I choose it even though it sometimes is hard)
Hi everybody,
Back at Bates College, I had a disheartening first few weeks. I tried out for the Deansmen, the most prestigious group on campus, and they didn't let me in. I noticed that several other guys hadn't gotten in either, and I decided that we should sing anyway. I had been in the All Eastern Choir, All State, and a bunch of other things in high school, and who were these guys anyway to tell me that I couldn't be in their group? So, myself, Chal, Arthur, Mark S., and some others began thinking about what to do and what to call it. We settled on the Manic Optimists, since we arrived at our decision to start a group with mostly the rejects from other groups (Deansmen and Crosstones, respectively). Thus began my Bates legacy - the Manic Optimists, or manops for short.
Had I given up right after the Deansmen audition, I would have never founded this other group, it would not be flourishing today, and I would have not gained entrance into the Deansmen the next year. Thus, my manic optimism (or hypomania, for you psychology buffs) is adaptive. It comes with its price, but I think the price (the pain suffered in my bouts with slight depression, and the shame that accompanies my realization of what has been done in my manic moments) is worth it. If I can sometimes bring light into the darkness, I can brave my own darkness for a time. Everything ends, and though my depression makes me fat, flat, and grumpy (I hibernate like a bear) it also means I feel more deeply than most humans. It makes me a better teacher, able to empathize with those who suffer, to quote Shakespeare, the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." It makes me a better man, because before I act I usually try to see what effect my actions will have on others.
In short, this blog is about my type II bipolar disorder. It's also about how I wouldn't trade that "malady" in for anything else. Without it, I wouldn't be a manic optimist. B+ wouldn't be my attitude and my blood type. I wouldn't be me.
Though right now I am suffering (I can't work because I'm busy dealing with my head) I'd imagine that most of my students, through most of my years as an educator (12) would agree that my low spots are negated by my high spots. My creativity, my lust for knowledge, my genuine interest in my students - all of these are more important than the few times I've been too low to get to class, or too high to be concrete sequential. My blessing is my curse. But through suffering with it, I hope I can show students (and the world) that it's better to be flawed and trying than to stop trying. That it's better to be unique than run of the mill. That though I'm sure I've burned a few bridges, I've constructed better ones.
Thanks for listening - I appreciate your time. I really do. Writing this helps me to find catharsis, and maybe it helps a few others out there that struggle.
Have a great day,
~Mark (@gr8fullyfeclub)
Back at Bates College, I had a disheartening first few weeks. I tried out for the Deansmen, the most prestigious group on campus, and they didn't let me in. I noticed that several other guys hadn't gotten in either, and I decided that we should sing anyway. I had been in the All Eastern Choir, All State, and a bunch of other things in high school, and who were these guys anyway to tell me that I couldn't be in their group? So, myself, Chal, Arthur, Mark S., and some others began thinking about what to do and what to call it. We settled on the Manic Optimists, since we arrived at our decision to start a group with mostly the rejects from other groups (Deansmen and Crosstones, respectively). Thus began my Bates legacy - the Manic Optimists, or manops for short.
Had I given up right after the Deansmen audition, I would have never founded this other group, it would not be flourishing today, and I would have not gained entrance into the Deansmen the next year. Thus, my manic optimism (or hypomania, for you psychology buffs) is adaptive. It comes with its price, but I think the price (the pain suffered in my bouts with slight depression, and the shame that accompanies my realization of what has been done in my manic moments) is worth it. If I can sometimes bring light into the darkness, I can brave my own darkness for a time. Everything ends, and though my depression makes me fat, flat, and grumpy (I hibernate like a bear) it also means I feel more deeply than most humans. It makes me a better teacher, able to empathize with those who suffer, to quote Shakespeare, the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." It makes me a better man, because before I act I usually try to see what effect my actions will have on others.
In short, this blog is about my type II bipolar disorder. It's also about how I wouldn't trade that "malady" in for anything else. Without it, I wouldn't be a manic optimist. B+ wouldn't be my attitude and my blood type. I wouldn't be me.
Though right now I am suffering (I can't work because I'm busy dealing with my head) I'd imagine that most of my students, through most of my years as an educator (12) would agree that my low spots are negated by my high spots. My creativity, my lust for knowledge, my genuine interest in my students - all of these are more important than the few times I've been too low to get to class, or too high to be concrete sequential. My blessing is my curse. But through suffering with it, I hope I can show students (and the world) that it's better to be flawed and trying than to stop trying. That it's better to be unique than run of the mill. That though I'm sure I've burned a few bridges, I've constructed better ones.
Thanks for listening - I appreciate your time. I really do. Writing this helps me to find catharsis, and maybe it helps a few others out there that struggle.
Have a great day,
~Mark (@gr8fullyfeclub)
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